Christmas has been wonderful. It isn't finished yet, though. One more Christmas dinner tonight.
It was our son's first Christmas. He is only 8 months old, so he thought the lights were cool and he really enjoyed tearing the paper off of the first 3 presents. Other than that, he didn't really seem to into it. Next year will be a different story, I am sure. I found a big difference in myself though. I was more excited and wanted to play with and set up all of his new toys. It was like the child inside of me blossomed even more.
We also hosted our first big turkey dinner. It was a marathon event, starting two weeks before with planning. My husband was the head chef. Cooking, shopping and co-ordinating. He did a fabulous job. Our meal was delicious and we didn't forget anything. R did burn his finger though. He now has a 1" by 0.5" blister on his middle finger.
As with a lot of family events, we also had some drama. One family member was absolutely miserable and tarnished the evening. She was selfish, negative and sat at the table scowling and not eating. It was very hard not to say anything to her because if we did, she would want to leave, which would mean someone would have to take her home. The next day my heart ached all day. I have been working on letting it go, but think I will have to say something, once I am no longer emotionally charged.
This morning I have been programming Chase's "My Pal Scout" toy. Very cool. I can't wait to play with it (hahahahahahahahaha). Really, are the toys for him, or us?
Merry Christmas!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Granny Christmas Gift Project
I have made DVD's for the grandparents of my videos over the last 8 months of my son's little life. It has been a great Christmas project. I have had to watch a lot of baby movies, all of them actually. Then I even did some intentional video recording to show a "day in the life of Chase". It starts with me getting him first thing in the morning, showing his great big "good morning Mama" smile I get everyday. It ends with me breastfeeding him in the rocking chair and putting him in his bed.
Now I am making DVD cases out of paper. I found the coolest little website showing how to make one out of a normal piece of paper.
Great little project!
http://www.instructables.com/id/CD-Case-from-normal-printer-paper./#step1
Now I am making DVD cases out of paper. I found the coolest little website showing how to make one out of a normal piece of paper.
Great little project!
http://www.instructables.com/id/CD-Case-from-normal-printer-paper./#step1
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Oh Sleep, Where Art Thou?
Why can't I fall to sleep?
Or really, more accurately, why does it take so long for me to fall to sleep? I lay in bed and try all of the tricks I have ever been taught to fall to sleep. Lately, I have been putting off going to bed because if I go to bed super late, I seem to fall asleep right away. The only fall back is less sleep. Its not really an answer at all, but it seems better than just laying there.
Oh, do I miss the feeling of crawling into bed, feeling cozy and shutting my eyes to instantly pass into the world of peace and rest.
Or really, more accurately, why does it take so long for me to fall to sleep? I lay in bed and try all of the tricks I have ever been taught to fall to sleep. Lately, I have been putting off going to bed because if I go to bed super late, I seem to fall asleep right away. The only fall back is less sleep. Its not really an answer at all, but it seems better than just laying there.
Oh, do I miss the feeling of crawling into bed, feeling cozy and shutting my eyes to instantly pass into the world of peace and rest.
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Festive Decorating
I love Christmas!
Now my tree is up and both my buffet and my mantel are decorated. This year I have gone for the unbreakable tree. All of my decorations that are unbreakable are on the tree and the rest are safely still in the boxes. This is "just in case" my monkey or someone else's little monkey, accidentally pull the tree down. I think it looks good. It was fun going through the decorations with that new perspective.
All of the red and white pillows on the tree are from my Aunty Mary Ellen. Every year, during my childhood and teen years, she cross stitched a little christmas pillow. They were different each year. This year, I received one for my son in the mail. It made me quite emotional. I never expected her to do it for the grandbabies too...that's a lot of pillows to stitch! The pillow she made for my monkey has the Olympic mitten, Believe and his name... very cute.
The picture of my mantel didn't look very good, so I am not posting it, but here is the buffet.
Merry Christmas World!!!
Monday, November 29, 2010
Dark, Ugly Thing
Cancer seems like such a dark and hideous thing. It would be healthier to think of it as just a name assigned to malfunctioning cells. Something that has many different shapes and forms, with many outcomes, lots of them positive. But, still, I find it dark and ugly.
I know people who have concurred cancer, people who live with cancer, people who are dying from cancer and people who have died from cancer. When people battle and get better, it seems it could be positive. But it doesn't feel that way. For the people who live with cancer, I wonder if they feel that word is attached to them, like the cancer itself. A label stuck there, kept secret from strangers. A label that causes some people to feel sympathy, some people to act strange and other people to pull away.
Right now my heart aches because of cancer. My Aunt is very sick with it and has been "dying" for the last three years. She isn't surviving cancer, she isn't living with cancer, she is dying from it. The doctors told her three years ago that, with chemo, she would have six months to a year. She did the treatment and suffered through its consequences. I wonder, if the doctors did not give her a timeline, if she would have lived with the cancer instead. She has been so sick and her family has struggled with the lengthening time of loss. A loss of how and who she used to be and the future loss of her life.
Why. Why did the doctors give her an expiry date? Would her quality of life over the last three years have been different without this big, looming, "you should be dead" thing over her head and in the hearts of her family. Why did the treatment lengthen her life so long? Can it be too long? Is it wrong to wish her to be at peace and not suffering anymore?
Sometimes I wonder if what I am feeling is anger, but I think not. I think I am sad. I am sad for her, I am sad for those that help care for her, I am sad for her sons and grandchildren, I am sad for everyone who's hearts and souls are a little more tarnished with this dying from cancer. This ugly dark thing.
What do you think? Am I wrong for having these thoughts? How do you feel about it? What are your thoughts on this disease and its impact?
I know people who have concurred cancer, people who live with cancer, people who are dying from cancer and people who have died from cancer. When people battle and get better, it seems it could be positive. But it doesn't feel that way. For the people who live with cancer, I wonder if they feel that word is attached to them, like the cancer itself. A label stuck there, kept secret from strangers. A label that causes some people to feel sympathy, some people to act strange and other people to pull away.
Right now my heart aches because of cancer. My Aunt is very sick with it and has been "dying" for the last three years. She isn't surviving cancer, she isn't living with cancer, she is dying from it. The doctors told her three years ago that, with chemo, she would have six months to a year. She did the treatment and suffered through its consequences. I wonder, if the doctors did not give her a timeline, if she would have lived with the cancer instead. She has been so sick and her family has struggled with the lengthening time of loss. A loss of how and who she used to be and the future loss of her life.
Why. Why did the doctors give her an expiry date? Would her quality of life over the last three years have been different without this big, looming, "you should be dead" thing over her head and in the hearts of her family. Why did the treatment lengthen her life so long? Can it be too long? Is it wrong to wish her to be at peace and not suffering anymore?
Sometimes I wonder if what I am feeling is anger, but I think not. I think I am sad. I am sad for her, I am sad for those that help care for her, I am sad for her sons and grandchildren, I am sad for everyone who's hearts and souls are a little more tarnished with this dying from cancer. This ugly dark thing.
What do you think? Am I wrong for having these thoughts? How do you feel about it? What are your thoughts on this disease and its impact?
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Happy Halloween - Cheerful Pumpkin Tower
This was soooooo much fun. I got the idea off of a pumpkin carving competition on TV. I don't think I would win any awards, but I think its pretty cute. Not really all that scary, it has more of a cheerful vibe to it.
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| My pumpkin tower!! |
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Life Coaching?
I wonder, sometimes, what my purpose is. Now it seems that my purpose is to be the best mom I can be. To give my son the love and encouragement to become his best self. I don't think that is all of it though. There is a desire to help others. Since I was a teenager I have tossed around the idea of being a counsellor. A few years ago, I even studied psychology in University. Something I realized, though, is that I don't necessarily want the negativity and anguish that can come up. I don't really want to have to work through not taking on other peoples issues, I have had enough of my own.
Last year, I looked into coaching. A friend of the family and my mentor was nearing the completion of her own coaching training and I found it fascinating. Out of curiousity, I did the first training session with one of the leading coaches training institutes of North America. It was wonderful. My path led me away, though. I needed money and couldn't seem to get a contract (through my business) so I took a "job". I am very grateful that it worked out this way because now I am on maternity leave, which wouldn't have happened any other way. Funny how, if you are paying attention, you get the answers you need.
Now, I have the opportunity to begin exploring the option of coaching again. There is a program that I can take, after my mat leave is completed, that will both pay me and guide me in starting a new business. This way I can cover some of our living costs as well as get the best start, training and support possible. If I am working on starting the business and am going in a direction that will not lead to success, I expect the program will redirect me.
I will also need to complete the training for being a coach. I realize that I could start coaching with the training that I have so far, but I would feel more confident with it completed.
The thing that I like about coaching is that it is positive. It is like the step after counselling. The client has worked through the majority of their "stuff", or doesn't have much "stuff" to work through, and is ready for the next steps. It can help people experiencing a change, such as job loss, moving, completion of school, or becoming a parent. It helps people find their way in this change. It doesn't include advice or counselling, it is more like guidance, encouragement and direction.
My experience of coaching with my mentor was fabulous. It helped clarify what my passions, values and goals were. It helped me identify what my next steps were. It also helped me feel confident about the changes I was making. Not once did my coach say "you should do this" or "I don't think that is a good idea". She guided and had exercises to help me find my own way. That's what it is, the coaching helped empower me to find the best way for me.
I would love to do this for others.
We will see. I have often day dreamed about things and not done them. This is why I am starting to think about this and explore it now, 6 months before I would actually start the "self employment" training.
What are your thoughts on coaching?
Last year, I looked into coaching. A friend of the family and my mentor was nearing the completion of her own coaching training and I found it fascinating. Out of curiousity, I did the first training session with one of the leading coaches training institutes of North America. It was wonderful. My path led me away, though. I needed money and couldn't seem to get a contract (through my business) so I took a "job". I am very grateful that it worked out this way because now I am on maternity leave, which wouldn't have happened any other way. Funny how, if you are paying attention, you get the answers you need.
Now, I have the opportunity to begin exploring the option of coaching again. There is a program that I can take, after my mat leave is completed, that will both pay me and guide me in starting a new business. This way I can cover some of our living costs as well as get the best start, training and support possible. If I am working on starting the business and am going in a direction that will not lead to success, I expect the program will redirect me.
I will also need to complete the training for being a coach. I realize that I could start coaching with the training that I have so far, but I would feel more confident with it completed.
The thing that I like about coaching is that it is positive. It is like the step after counselling. The client has worked through the majority of their "stuff", or doesn't have much "stuff" to work through, and is ready for the next steps. It can help people experiencing a change, such as job loss, moving, completion of school, or becoming a parent. It helps people find their way in this change. It doesn't include advice or counselling, it is more like guidance, encouragement and direction.
My experience of coaching with my mentor was fabulous. It helped clarify what my passions, values and goals were. It helped me identify what my next steps were. It also helped me feel confident about the changes I was making. Not once did my coach say "you should do this" or "I don't think that is a good idea". She guided and had exercises to help me find my own way. That's what it is, the coaching helped empower me to find the best way for me.
I would love to do this for others.
We will see. I have often day dreamed about things and not done them. This is why I am starting to think about this and explore it now, 6 months before I would actually start the "self employment" training.
What are your thoughts on coaching?
Monday, October 25, 2010
Autumn
The fall is my favourite season. I love it when the leaves change colour, when you pull out the sweaters, when soup seems like the best choice and when squash is in abundance. I love the crispness in the air, and the storms, oh I love the storms.
Yesterday we took our little B to the dog park. It was Chase's first time. He was so cute. It was also precious when he noticed that Brutus was at the park to. He yelled, it was funny. As he noticed other dogs too, he became even more vocal.
After we went to the farmers market at got our pumpkins for Halloween (another of my favourites for fall.) It was so festive, they even set up a maze with corn stalks and hay bales, very cool. We got four pumpkins of all different sizes to go with the one we already had. They are very dirty from being in the fields, so they are still on my back patio.
The wind is blowing, the sky is gray and, some may think it crazy, I love it!
Yesterday we took our little B to the dog park. It was Chase's first time. He was so cute. It was also precious when he noticed that Brutus was at the park to. He yelled, it was funny. As he noticed other dogs too, he became even more vocal.
After we went to the farmers market at got our pumpkins for Halloween (another of my favourites for fall.) It was so festive, they even set up a maze with corn stalks and hay bales, very cool. We got four pumpkins of all different sizes to go with the one we already had. They are very dirty from being in the fields, so they are still on my back patio.
The wind is blowing, the sky is gray and, some may think it crazy, I love it!
Friday, October 22, 2010
Bummer
For the last couple of days I have been pondering over what to write in my blog. I can share stories of my little one. I can talk of nap time and its challenges. I thought of sharing my birth story, as it was certainly an adventure. The idea also came to share like I did with comfort, on gratitude. I wondered if I should have some structure for my blog, such as only mommy stories. So all of the time I could have spent writing in my blogging, I have spent contemplating what to write. Do all bloggers have this experience? Am I a blogger now?
Really, what is prominent in my life in this moment is my tummy issues.
For years, I had issues with my bowels. I was diagnosed with IBS, with the doctors ruling out all of the scary other diseases. There were numerous changes I made to my diet and lifestyle to try and correct the problem. In the fall of 2000, I did a colon cleanse. This is the only time in my life that I have successfully done a cleanse, usually it makes me sick and I have to quit. Anyway, the cleanse was successful. I started slowly introducing foods back into my diet. What I learned was that red meat was the trigger for my IBS. So, I cut out all red meat.
Eventually, all meat was removed from my diet and I became a vegetarian. I ended up adopting the vegetarian lifestyle, caring about the animals and their rights to a loving and peaceful life. I wore no leather. I used PETA certified products. All kinds of changes happened. It felt good. It felt right, for me. Now, to be clear, I was not vegan. Dairy was still in my diet (even though I am lactose intolerant, cheese is just too wonderful) and I did use products with honey and lanolin.
The best part of it all was that my IBS was gone.
So, cut to 9 years later. R and I are planning to start a family, and I start craving chicken. I ate some chicken, snuck it actually, like anyone would care. It brought back the IBS immediately. Oops. Then I got pregnant. Suddenly I really craved chicken and milk, so I snuck some more. This time no problem. Apparently my pregnant, hormonal self did not suffer from IBS. Yay!! Bring on chicken, turkey and pork. So much for those vegetarian ideals, straight out the window. Our midwives warned me that this would probably end either when I had the baby or when I finished breast feeding. So, I cherished it. With milk, by the end of my pregnancy, I was actually drinking over 2 litres a day. Maybe that's why my baby was 11lbs 3oz!!
Now, as of about 5 days ago, the IBS is back. The first two days, I was in denial. But then there was no doubt. Therefore, that is the end of meat. I won't go into the details, cause who really needs to read about that, but suffice it to say it has been a rough few days. Feelin' gross.
All I can say is damn. R's sweet and sour chicken smelled soooooo good last night. Bummer :)
Really, what is prominent in my life in this moment is my tummy issues.
For years, I had issues with my bowels. I was diagnosed with IBS, with the doctors ruling out all of the scary other diseases. There were numerous changes I made to my diet and lifestyle to try and correct the problem. In the fall of 2000, I did a colon cleanse. This is the only time in my life that I have successfully done a cleanse, usually it makes me sick and I have to quit. Anyway, the cleanse was successful. I started slowly introducing foods back into my diet. What I learned was that red meat was the trigger for my IBS. So, I cut out all red meat.
Eventually, all meat was removed from my diet and I became a vegetarian. I ended up adopting the vegetarian lifestyle, caring about the animals and their rights to a loving and peaceful life. I wore no leather. I used PETA certified products. All kinds of changes happened. It felt good. It felt right, for me. Now, to be clear, I was not vegan. Dairy was still in my diet (even though I am lactose intolerant, cheese is just too wonderful) and I did use products with honey and lanolin.
The best part of it all was that my IBS was gone.
So, cut to 9 years later. R and I are planning to start a family, and I start craving chicken. I ate some chicken, snuck it actually, like anyone would care. It brought back the IBS immediately. Oops. Then I got pregnant. Suddenly I really craved chicken and milk, so I snuck some more. This time no problem. Apparently my pregnant, hormonal self did not suffer from IBS. Yay!! Bring on chicken, turkey and pork. So much for those vegetarian ideals, straight out the window. Our midwives warned me that this would probably end either when I had the baby or when I finished breast feeding. So, I cherished it. With milk, by the end of my pregnancy, I was actually drinking over 2 litres a day. Maybe that's why my baby was 11lbs 3oz!!
Now, as of about 5 days ago, the IBS is back. The first two days, I was in denial. But then there was no doubt. Therefore, that is the end of meat. I won't go into the details, cause who really needs to read about that, but suffice it to say it has been a rough few days. Feelin' gross.
All I can say is damn. R's sweet and sour chicken smelled soooooo good last night. Bummer :)
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Chirp, Chirp
I love being a mom. Taking care of my son feels really good. Watching him learn is amazing. Take this video for example. He was making cute little chirping noises, so I answered back. He would chirp, I would respond. It was a great little game. Having him raise his little eyebrow at me when he answered let me know that he understood we were playing a game. The big smile let me know he thought it was fun. We do the same thing with coughing. He coughs for real, then he throws a couple fake ones in for good measure. I will add a couple into the mix, then its a game. My little super star is also learning how to turn the light out. It is part of our nap/bed time ritual.
The quality of this video is horrible because I recorded it to email to my mother. I record on my cell in the worst quality so that it will fit in an email from my blackberry. It captures the moment though!
The quality of this video is horrible because I recorded it to email to my mother. I record on my cell in the worst quality so that it will fit in an email from my blackberry. It captures the moment though!
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Comfort
Interesting the things I find comfort in.
- Cuddles and hugs
- A warm cup of tea/coffee/hot chocolate/apple cider
- Watching a movie, just the very beginning, before the movie starts, when the producing companies logos, shorts, music are playing, then I feel comfort...what ever happens after depends on the movie
- Reading, on the couch, at the table, in the bath
- Knowing my son is happy, fed and well rested
- Getting a massage
- Getting a pedicure
- Watching the ocean
- People watching
- Cozy sweaters
- Bubble baths
- My bed, with freshly cleaned sheets, especially when I use the lavender fabric softener
- My Mom's voice
- Soup
- A clean house (to be clear, not the cleaning part, but after, when its all fresh)
Monday, October 18, 2010
Nap
I love napping.
Curling up in my bed, or on the couch, cuddling with my dog, while my child is fast asleep in his little bed. I can get some restorative sleep that makes me a happier woman and a better mom. Today, I am foregoing a lengthy blog message for a cozy nap.
Curling up in my bed, or on the couch, cuddling with my dog, while my child is fast asleep in his little bed. I can get some restorative sleep that makes me a happier woman and a better mom. Today, I am foregoing a lengthy blog message for a cozy nap.
Friday, October 15, 2010
Changed?
When you become a mother, do you change? Does the essence of your self change?
I know that I feel different. I feel that the core of my true self has been altered. It is neither bad nor good, just different. My moment to moment has changed and my focus has changed, but that's all temporary. This other difference feels permanent. Like the secret ingredient of mother was added to my Shelley and created something new.
So my question is, does becoming a mother change you? Or, is it just me?
I know that I feel different. I feel that the core of my true self has been altered. It is neither bad nor good, just different. My moment to moment has changed and my focus has changed, but that's all temporary. This other difference feels permanent. Like the secret ingredient of mother was added to my Shelley and created something new.
So my question is, does becoming a mother change you? Or, is it just me?
Thursday, October 14, 2010
No Need for Perfection
I have just started to read a romance novel by Luanne Rice called "Home Fires." In the story the woman's daughter died at the age of four and her husband cheated on her. The grief that is described is aching. She spends time with the last drawing her daughter did for her, on the morning she passed away. She smells the crayon and the paper, she remembers when her daughter gave it to her, she retreats into her memory.
I can't imagine losing my son. He has filled an empty spot in me that I didn't even know was there. Listening to him make funny noises as he is playing right now just makes my heart swell.
I am, by nature, a lazy person. I love to do nothing. When there is a lot to do, I have to build up the energy to get it done. When I knew I was having a baby, I was worried that I would feel this way about all of the work that goes into taking care of a child. Well, no need to worry, because while it does take energy, it feels amazing. It is just a natural thing to do. I want to make sure he has a clean bum. I want him to have all clean clothes. I want to make sure he is fed. It is a pleasure. Granted, when nap time was broken, these things became a little more difficult, but that was just for a little while.
You know, I wish I could do a snapshot of how I feel in my life right now. I really am madly in love with R and my son. I love my home. I am content in a way I never thought possible. Things are not perfect, but are they ever? I don't need perfection. I need what I have right now. This is what was brought to mind as I am reading the story of the woman who has lost so much. It is important to be mindful of the moment, because everything can change in a heartbeat.
I can't imagine losing my son. He has filled an empty spot in me that I didn't even know was there. Listening to him make funny noises as he is playing right now just makes my heart swell.
I am, by nature, a lazy person. I love to do nothing. When there is a lot to do, I have to build up the energy to get it done. When I knew I was having a baby, I was worried that I would feel this way about all of the work that goes into taking care of a child. Well, no need to worry, because while it does take energy, it feels amazing. It is just a natural thing to do. I want to make sure he has a clean bum. I want him to have all clean clothes. I want to make sure he is fed. It is a pleasure. Granted, when nap time was broken, these things became a little more difficult, but that was just for a little while.
You know, I wish I could do a snapshot of how I feel in my life right now. I really am madly in love with R and my son. I love my home. I am content in a way I never thought possible. Things are not perfect, but are they ever? I don't need perfection. I need what I have right now. This is what was brought to mind as I am reading the story of the woman who has lost so much. It is important to be mindful of the moment, because everything can change in a heartbeat.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
New Expressions
I am a stay at home mom. I am madly in love with my son and my husband. My life is fabulous. My passions are art, reading, movies and my son. I am truly looking forward to sharing my thoughts and stories with you.
Thank you for reading.
Thank you for reading.
One Week
Today is the one week anniversary of CJ's passing. I feel at peace with it all now. I have sadness still, but it is a quiet, gentle sadness. A whisper of sadness.
Last year CJ started to become quite ill. He was vomiting a lot and urinating in strange places. His kidneys and liver were doing poorly so we got some medication and changed his food to science diet hypo-allergenic. This help a little, although within a few months he was spiralling quickly. After six months of vet visits, it was determined that he had diabetes as well as the kidney and liver issues. We put him on insulin right away. The change in him was amazing. Within a week he was back to his annoying, loving, affectionate self. It wasn't a full recovery, but he seemed content.
He started to get arthritis in his hips and I could see cataracts forming on his eyes (they were cloudy). The vomiting and urination issues never went away. I had to show CJ there was food in his dish all of the time. It was like he forgot. I think it was left over issues from his last great escape. It was sad to see his health failing.
CJ had a good, long life. He had many adventures, lots of love and four legged friends. He was curious about my son. He sniffed the baby and watched him.
You know what is kind of cool. As I am typing this blog, a black and white cat jumped up onto our patio and is sun bathing.
Unless more comes to mind, this will be my last blog about CJ. I think I will change the blog to be my rambling thoughts, just like the title. I found it extremely helpful in my process of grieving the loss of my cat. Typing out my stories and my feelings and putting it out there to the world. It doesn't matter if no one ever reads this. It was healing. My heart does a small smile and warms a little more.
Thank you blogger.com.
Last year CJ started to become quite ill. He was vomiting a lot and urinating in strange places. His kidneys and liver were doing poorly so we got some medication and changed his food to science diet hypo-allergenic. This help a little, although within a few months he was spiralling quickly. After six months of vet visits, it was determined that he had diabetes as well as the kidney and liver issues. We put him on insulin right away. The change in him was amazing. Within a week he was back to his annoying, loving, affectionate self. It wasn't a full recovery, but he seemed content.
He started to get arthritis in his hips and I could see cataracts forming on his eyes (they were cloudy). The vomiting and urination issues never went away. I had to show CJ there was food in his dish all of the time. It was like he forgot. I think it was left over issues from his last great escape. It was sad to see his health failing.
CJ had a good, long life. He had many adventures, lots of love and four legged friends. He was curious about my son. He sniffed the baby and watched him.
You know what is kind of cool. As I am typing this blog, a black and white cat jumped up onto our patio and is sun bathing.
Unless more comes to mind, this will be my last blog about CJ. I think I will change the blog to be my rambling thoughts, just like the title. I found it extremely helpful in my process of grieving the loss of my cat. Typing out my stories and my feelings and putting it out there to the world. It doesn't matter if no one ever reads this. It was healing. My heart does a small smile and warms a little more.
Thank you blogger.com.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Dreams
This morning I dreamt of CJ. I dreamt that he was walking by me, so I bent down and scratched his neck. I could feel his soft fir and looked into his eyes. I said, I know you are dead CJ so I am going to cherish this moment. Pretty cool, for a dream. I could almost still feel him when I woke up.
The Second and Third Great Escapes
I moved in with my boyfriend, now husband, and his brother in 2006. We were in a cute townhouse, long and skinny with three floors. The layout and finishing were great. I could only have two pets, though, so I had to find a new home for Star and I took Amy back to the feral cat shelter in Maple Ridge (yes, Amy was not human friendly, at all, I tried for four years). So it was just CJ and Brutus.
CJ adapted to the change pretty well. He adopted the upstairs spare room as his own. My boyfriend's brother, we'll call him RJ, had been waiting for the move in order to get a new dog. Within a few months there was a cute little Frenchy added to the four legged friend mix of our new home. Little Spud was familiar with cats and CJ was, of course, familiar with dogs, so the transition went pretty smoothly. Spuddy would run at CJ and head butt him. CJ would simply flop over. No hissing or hitting. He knew it was a puppy who didn't know any better.
In this new home CJ escaped twice. Now we were not near a ravine, but there was an empty lot kiddy corner to our place that was filled with blackberry bushes. I am pretty sure that is where he went.
The first time, he was gone for around six weeks (like at my ravine house) and I did successfully catch him in the trap. I put up posters, knocked on the neighbours doors, put out food and water and searched the bushes (as much as I could). Again, I had to rent a live animal trap to get him back. Like last time, I also caught everyone else's cats.
Sometimes, we had disappearing food in the trap with no animal. We were pretty sure it was a raccoon, so we set up an infrared camera and recorded the night's events. Sure enough, up waddled a big raccoon. He went into the trap, ate the food and came back out again, cleverly avoiding the trigger that closes the trap door. He actually came over and sniffed the camera too. It was pretty cute, but also a little unnerving, since cats and raccoons don't really get along.
I never gave up on CJ. I just persistently checked the trap a few times a day, releasing the animals. RJ checked and released a few animals too. Actually, I am pretty sure that RJ was the one that found CJ in the trap one day. He called for me and I came to get my cat. Surprisingly, CJ was in much better shape this time. Actually, when he went missing, he had a weird little growth on his eye that we were going to see the specialist about. When he came home, the growth was gone. I happily went out and took down all of the missing cat posters.
The second time he went missing was much longer. We followed all of the same steps, going to neighbours, searching, calling his name, setting up posters, and yes, renting another live animal trap. After six weeks of catching and releasing other felines, I had the idea of putting out CJ's litter box. My theory was that he escapes and then looses his mind. Its like he gets temporary dementia or something. Anyway, there was no mistaking who's little box it was, so I was hopeful that it would lead him home. I was also thinking that he was avoiding the trap, since he had been trapped twice before.
After eight weeks, I went out one evening and there he was, sitting in his litter box. This time he was in extremely rough shape, I was actually concerned if he would live to the next day, so we went to a 24 hr vets. They admitted him and put him on an IV for the night, to rehydrate him. We then nursed him back to health again, with soft food and TLC.
He was never quite the same after that. He spent most of his time up in his room, very anti-social. I also had to make sure that his food and water dish were never empty. If it did go empty, he would freak out the next time I filled the dish and eat or drink it all, resulting in him getting sick. Poor little guy. He got quite chubby, probably thinking he should store up some fat, just in case.
That was the last time CJ escaped, thank goodness. Eventually, CJ became social and loving again, but he was never quite normal about his food and water. Who knows how many of his cat lives he used up in these adventures...I am sure he would have many exciting stories to tell if he could talk.
CJ adapted to the change pretty well. He adopted the upstairs spare room as his own. My boyfriend's brother, we'll call him RJ, had been waiting for the move in order to get a new dog. Within a few months there was a cute little Frenchy added to the four legged friend mix of our new home. Little Spud was familiar with cats and CJ was, of course, familiar with dogs, so the transition went pretty smoothly. Spuddy would run at CJ and head butt him. CJ would simply flop over. No hissing or hitting. He knew it was a puppy who didn't know any better.
In this new home CJ escaped twice. Now we were not near a ravine, but there was an empty lot kiddy corner to our place that was filled with blackberry bushes. I am pretty sure that is where he went.
The first time, he was gone for around six weeks (like at my ravine house) and I did successfully catch him in the trap. I put up posters, knocked on the neighbours doors, put out food and water and searched the bushes (as much as I could). Again, I had to rent a live animal trap to get him back. Like last time, I also caught everyone else's cats.
Sometimes, we had disappearing food in the trap with no animal. We were pretty sure it was a raccoon, so we set up an infrared camera and recorded the night's events. Sure enough, up waddled a big raccoon. He went into the trap, ate the food and came back out again, cleverly avoiding the trigger that closes the trap door. He actually came over and sniffed the camera too. It was pretty cute, but also a little unnerving, since cats and raccoons don't really get along.
I never gave up on CJ. I just persistently checked the trap a few times a day, releasing the animals. RJ checked and released a few animals too. Actually, I am pretty sure that RJ was the one that found CJ in the trap one day. He called for me and I came to get my cat. Surprisingly, CJ was in much better shape this time. Actually, when he went missing, he had a weird little growth on his eye that we were going to see the specialist about. When he came home, the growth was gone. I happily went out and took down all of the missing cat posters.
The second time he went missing was much longer. We followed all of the same steps, going to neighbours, searching, calling his name, setting up posters, and yes, renting another live animal trap. After six weeks of catching and releasing other felines, I had the idea of putting out CJ's litter box. My theory was that he escapes and then looses his mind. Its like he gets temporary dementia or something. Anyway, there was no mistaking who's little box it was, so I was hopeful that it would lead him home. I was also thinking that he was avoiding the trap, since he had been trapped twice before.
After eight weeks, I went out one evening and there he was, sitting in his litter box. This time he was in extremely rough shape, I was actually concerned if he would live to the next day, so we went to a 24 hr vets. They admitted him and put him on an IV for the night, to rehydrate him. We then nursed him back to health again, with soft food and TLC.
He was never quite the same after that. He spent most of his time up in his room, very anti-social. I also had to make sure that his food and water dish were never empty. If it did go empty, he would freak out the next time I filled the dish and eat or drink it all, resulting in him getting sick. Poor little guy. He got quite chubby, probably thinking he should store up some fat, just in case.
That was the last time CJ escaped, thank goodness. Eventually, CJ became social and loving again, but he was never quite normal about his food and water. Who knows how many of his cat lives he used up in these adventures...I am sure he would have many exciting stories to tell if he could talk.
Monday, October 11, 2010
Thanksgiving
Waiting for my son to fall asleep for his morning nap, so I can crawl back into my cozy bed for my morning nap.
I am grateful to have had little CJ in my life for over 14 years. I give thanks for all of the good times, the challenging times and even the bad times. I think that my life is better for having had him as my beloved pet.
Our home feels quieter. It seems more still, if that makes any sense, without my cat. My heart has a gentle sadness in it now. An ache that comes and goes as the day passes by.
I am grateful to have had little CJ in my life for over 14 years. I give thanks for all of the good times, the challenging times and even the bad times. I think that my life is better for having had him as my beloved pet.
Our home feels quieter. It seems more still, if that makes any sense, without my cat. My heart has a gentle sadness in it now. An ache that comes and goes as the day passes by.
Saturday, October 9, 2010
The First Great Escape
I was living with my beautiful cousin L and my three cats, CJ , Star and Amy, in a fourplex next to a ravine. We had the top floor on one side of the building with a beautiful river view. Aside from the peeling wallpaper in the bathroom, the mustard yellow tub and toilet and the 70s inspired appliances, it was a great suite.
One day CJ was gone. Just gone. He must have escaped, we have no idea how. Since we lived next to a ravine, I figured that was where he went. The thing about CJ is that he is an inside cat. I am certain that he never knew how to hunt and may not be able protect himself in a dangerous situation. He definitely knew nothing about cars. We had raccoons and coyotes in this neighbourhood too.
My intuition told me that he was still alive. My fear said that he had already been eaten. I was raised to pay attention to the intuition, so we started looking. This was a the very same time I started dating my now husband, R. R came over and helped us comb the ravine as much as we could. It actually had very dense growth, with lots of blackberry bushes and steep banks. The perfect place for a freaked out kitty to hunker down and a terrible place for the humans to go looking.
We searched for a few days, calling his name. I made sure that we had food, water and a familiar smelling blanket out on the back patio for him, just in case. A couple of weeks later, there was still no sign of the little guy, but my intuition continued to say that he was still alive.
After much contemplation, I decided that the next step was to rent a live animal trap. I set it up on the back patio. For the next four weeks, I checked the trap every morning and many times through the night. I caught many different cats. Some were freaked out. Some sat quietly, patiently waiting to be set free. There was this one cat that wanted to kill me, or at the very least scratch my eyes out. He was particularly tricky to set free, but we ended the exchange with no blood shed by either of us. All of this and still no CJ.
Now, I am an avid movie fan. I am also a fan of some fantasy stories. This was around the time that the Lord of the Rings Trilogy was being released. This is an important side note because I didn't wait to see the movies at the normal time, nope, too much of a keener. Instead I went to the midnight showings. Well, these movies are three hours long, so I would get home in the wee early morning hours and then go to work the next day.
During the time of CJ's first great escape, the Lord of The Rings: Return of the King was released to theaters. I came home somewhere around 3am. I got all ready for bed and crawled in, super sleepy. Suddenly, I popped out of bed. My intuition bells were ringing. I ran out to the trap and checked. Sure enough, six weeks later, there is my little, tiny, super skinny CJ!
I gasped and quickly brought the whole trap into my bedroom. I didn't want to wake up L but I was so excited to see my cat. At this point, all felines had been banished from my bedroom, since I am actually allergic to them, but this was a special day. I let CJ out. He was fur, skin and bones (note: before the escape, CJ was a great big chubby guy). His eyes were buggy and his coat was quite ratty. I got him some water, and put him on my bed, thinking he might curl up and cuddle. Boy was I wrong. He told me, for the rest of the night, or what was left of it, all about his adventures. I don't think he ever meowed as much as he did then.
The next morning, I called into work saying that I would be late and took him to the vets. They gave me some special canned food and instructions on getting him slowly back into shape.
It must have been a grand adventure, but I was relieved that he was home.
One day CJ was gone. Just gone. He must have escaped, we have no idea how. Since we lived next to a ravine, I figured that was where he went. The thing about CJ is that he is an inside cat. I am certain that he never knew how to hunt and may not be able protect himself in a dangerous situation. He definitely knew nothing about cars. We had raccoons and coyotes in this neighbourhood too.
My intuition told me that he was still alive. My fear said that he had already been eaten. I was raised to pay attention to the intuition, so we started looking. This was a the very same time I started dating my now husband, R. R came over and helped us comb the ravine as much as we could. It actually had very dense growth, with lots of blackberry bushes and steep banks. The perfect place for a freaked out kitty to hunker down and a terrible place for the humans to go looking.
We searched for a few days, calling his name. I made sure that we had food, water and a familiar smelling blanket out on the back patio for him, just in case. A couple of weeks later, there was still no sign of the little guy, but my intuition continued to say that he was still alive.
After much contemplation, I decided that the next step was to rent a live animal trap. I set it up on the back patio. For the next four weeks, I checked the trap every morning and many times through the night. I caught many different cats. Some were freaked out. Some sat quietly, patiently waiting to be set free. There was this one cat that wanted to kill me, or at the very least scratch my eyes out. He was particularly tricky to set free, but we ended the exchange with no blood shed by either of us. All of this and still no CJ.
Now, I am an avid movie fan. I am also a fan of some fantasy stories. This was around the time that the Lord of the Rings Trilogy was being released. This is an important side note because I didn't wait to see the movies at the normal time, nope, too much of a keener. Instead I went to the midnight showings. Well, these movies are three hours long, so I would get home in the wee early morning hours and then go to work the next day.
During the time of CJ's first great escape, the Lord of The Rings: Return of the King was released to theaters. I came home somewhere around 3am. I got all ready for bed and crawled in, super sleepy. Suddenly, I popped out of bed. My intuition bells were ringing. I ran out to the trap and checked. Sure enough, six weeks later, there is my little, tiny, super skinny CJ!
I gasped and quickly brought the whole trap into my bedroom. I didn't want to wake up L but I was so excited to see my cat. At this point, all felines had been banished from my bedroom, since I am actually allergic to them, but this was a special day. I let CJ out. He was fur, skin and bones (note: before the escape, CJ was a great big chubby guy). His eyes were buggy and his coat was quite ratty. I got him some water, and put him on my bed, thinking he might curl up and cuddle. Boy was I wrong. He told me, for the rest of the night, or what was left of it, all about his adventures. I don't think he ever meowed as much as he did then.
The next morning, I called into work saying that I would be late and took him to the vets. They gave me some special canned food and instructions on getting him slowly back into shape.
It must have been a grand adventure, but I was relieved that he was home.
Saturday's Grief
Today I feel very sad, a little cranky and totally withdrawn. Today I am cleaning out CJ's room. Today is definetly tougher than yesterday, and probably for that reason.
My heart is heavy with the sadness of a furry friend lost.
My heart is heavy with the sadness of a furry friend lost.
Friday, October 8, 2010
The Patio Incident
So you know how cat's get nine lives, well CJ seems to have used a lot, if not all, of his.
One of his lives was used up in the spring of 2002. I was living in a one bedroom appartment, on the third floor. I had three cats at the time, CJ, Star and Amy. It was warm out, so I went to sleep with my patio door open a little. I wasn't worried about anything because I was on the third floor and the railings were round, so the cats couldn't go up on them.
I woke up suddenly. It must have been the weekend, because I was planning on sleeping in. After my morning routine I went into the living room to relax for a bit. Two of my three cats were sitting at the patio window, staring outside. "Hmmmm, where is CJ?" I thought. I checked the entire apartment (this didn't take long, it wasn't very big.) Then I got this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomache. I ran out on the patio and looked down. There was bushes three stories down, but no cat.
Quickly, I grabbed my keys and ran down three flights of steps and out the front door (in my PJs with crazy morning hair). I hurried over to the bushes and began searching for CJ. It didn't take long. There he was, curled into a black and white ball of fur with these big, freaked out yellow eyes. I scooped him into my arms and carried him up to the apartment.
Star, Amy and I checked every square inch of him to make sure he was okay, and, well, he was. He was actually better than okay because both Star and Amy were showering him with affection, cleaning him and rubbing up against him. All of his girls were very relieved to see that he survived such a great fall without even a scratch.
Needless to say, I didn't leave the sliding glass door open again, unless I was sitting right there.
One of his lives was used up in the spring of 2002. I was living in a one bedroom appartment, on the third floor. I had three cats at the time, CJ, Star and Amy. It was warm out, so I went to sleep with my patio door open a little. I wasn't worried about anything because I was on the third floor and the railings were round, so the cats couldn't go up on them.
I woke up suddenly. It must have been the weekend, because I was planning on sleeping in. After my morning routine I went into the living room to relax for a bit. Two of my three cats were sitting at the patio window, staring outside. "Hmmmm, where is CJ?" I thought. I checked the entire apartment (this didn't take long, it wasn't very big.) Then I got this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomache. I ran out on the patio and looked down. There was bushes three stories down, but no cat.
Quickly, I grabbed my keys and ran down three flights of steps and out the front door (in my PJs with crazy morning hair). I hurried over to the bushes and began searching for CJ. It didn't take long. There he was, curled into a black and white ball of fur with these big, freaked out yellow eyes. I scooped him into my arms and carried him up to the apartment.
Star, Amy and I checked every square inch of him to make sure he was okay, and, well, he was. He was actually better than okay because both Star and Amy were showering him with affection, cleaning him and rubbing up against him. All of his girls were very relieved to see that he survived such a great fall without even a scratch.
Needless to say, I didn't leave the sliding glass door open again, unless I was sitting right there.
Grieving
Grief is such a strange thing. My loss is my cat of 14 years. One Wednesday, the day of his passing, I had many big cries. Yesterday I was weepy through-out the day. Today I feel a loss, I keep thinking I see him and I keep watching for him when I am walking up and down the stairs.
Everyday at 9:45 am, I give CJ his insulin shot. That last two mornings, my cell alarm has gone off to remind me and my heart has squashed. This morning I turned off the alarm.
After I eat my cereal in the morning, I always give CJ my bowl. Only after he has finished his turn, is B allowed to lick the bowl. Yesterday morning, I sat down, ate my cereal and put my bowl down on the floor. B went to lick the bowl and I almost stopped him, to let CJ go first. Squashed heart again.
It is these habitual things that are causing the most heart squashing.
There is definetly an empty space in our house, where CJ used to be. We all feel it. It is a heavy empty spot now.
Everyday at 9:45 am, I give CJ his insulin shot. That last two mornings, my cell alarm has gone off to remind me and my heart has squashed. This morning I turned off the alarm.
After I eat my cereal in the morning, I always give CJ my bowl. Only after he has finished his turn, is B allowed to lick the bowl. Yesterday morning, I sat down, ate my cereal and put my bowl down on the floor. B went to lick the bowl and I almost stopped him, to let CJ go first. Squashed heart again.
It is these habitual things that are causing the most heart squashing.
There is definetly an empty space in our house, where CJ used to be. We all feel it. It is a heavy empty spot now.
CJ, The Rambunctious Kitten
When CJ was a kitten he loved to play, as most kittens do. We attached a toy on a long rope to the ceiling so that it dangled just out of his reach. He would do the most acrobatic leaps and jumps in order to kill the toy. We were most entertained. He also used to go under our rug (that was really a Mexican blanket) and crawl around, eventually sticking his head out. Once, he climbed our screen door. I couldn't really encourage that behaviour, since it would destroy the screen door, so I took a picture and then sprayed him with water. He never did it again, but oh, is it a great picture. I will have to dig out the pictures at some point, right now that seems a bit too much.
This one time, we came home from being out for awhile and couldn't find CJ anywhere. We looked high and low, to no avail. Then, I went to the fridge and looked up, something caught my eye. CJ was sound asleep above the kitchen cupboards, above the fridge. That was a pretty impressive feat for such a little kitten. He jumped onto the counter, then onto the fridge, then up to the top of the cupboard. What possessed him to go there in the first place is beyond me. He must have been exploring the house in our absence and well, "ta da".
An annoying CJ kitten trait was that when he wanted our attention when we were still in bed, he would rake his paws down the blinds. Smart kitty. We would get frustrated, and banish him from the room, but then he would put his paw under the door and shake it back and forth! Oh my goodness, I found it both annoying and funny.
As CJ reached his adolescence, after getting "fixed", he developed an infatuation with one of my stuff animals. It was a tiger. CJ ended up having an outrageous love affair with this tiger. When it was finally time to throw the tiger out, it had no more fur left on its sides or bum... Yes... he did that with it. This was the only stuffed animal that CJ lusted after, so once the tiger was gone, so was the disturbing behaviour.
Eventually CJ grew into his great big ears. He turned out to be a very handsome cat. Black and white with striking yellow eyes. He was an affectionate cat too, especially when his food dish was empty.
This one time, we came home from being out for awhile and couldn't find CJ anywhere. We looked high and low, to no avail. Then, I went to the fridge and looked up, something caught my eye. CJ was sound asleep above the kitchen cupboards, above the fridge. That was a pretty impressive feat for such a little kitten. He jumped onto the counter, then onto the fridge, then up to the top of the cupboard. What possessed him to go there in the first place is beyond me. He must have been exploring the house in our absence and well, "ta da".
An annoying CJ kitten trait was that when he wanted our attention when we were still in bed, he would rake his paws down the blinds. Smart kitty. We would get frustrated, and banish him from the room, but then he would put his paw under the door and shake it back and forth! Oh my goodness, I found it both annoying and funny.
As CJ reached his adolescence, after getting "fixed", he developed an infatuation with one of my stuff animals. It was a tiger. CJ ended up having an outrageous love affair with this tiger. When it was finally time to throw the tiger out, it had no more fur left on its sides or bum... Yes... he did that with it. This was the only stuffed animal that CJ lusted after, so once the tiger was gone, so was the disturbing behaviour.
Eventually CJ grew into his great big ears. He turned out to be a very handsome cat. Black and white with striking yellow eyes. He was an affectionate cat too, especially when his food dish was empty.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Mr. CJ Puddins' Peaceful Departure cont'd
After I signed the form, they showed me into the same room we always go into, except this time, there was an afghan over the table and a box of tissues. I could feel my heart fracturing in my chest. I put the kennel up on the table and convinced CJ to come out. He wasn't so sure, because there was a cozy afghan on the table. Interesting that the thing meant to add comfort made him unsure. It was a change from what he was used to though, so I suppose that is normal. Anyhow, the second he was out I picked him up and held him to my chest.
I was feeling very sick and my heart was pounding and I was very afraid that he would feel my fear and foreboding. I tried focusing on the things in the room. I read everything on the walls, analyzed the painting, analyzed the map on the back of the door, anything to distract myself so I didn't fall to pieces before the doctor even came in the room.
The Dr came in and we went through CJ's file. He explained how it was going to work. One thing I noticed, though, was that he didn't look me in the eye. I suppose I shouldn't expect him to look me in the eye. Actually I wanted no sympathy, no tenderness, no touching, no softness, because I was ready to crumble. He explained that first they give the cat a sedative, so that they are very relaxed and peaceful when they give them the final injection. The final injection has to be into an artery, which is uncomfortable for them, most animals get very upset when you put needles in their arteries.
He left the room, got the sedative and came back. I had to put CJ down on the table, this was hard. It wasn't hard to see him get the shot, because I give him a needle every day and he really doesn't seem to mind. It was hard to have him away from my chest, away from my heart. As soon as the doctor was finished I scooped him back up into my arms. The Dr explained that in the next 15 minutes, CJ should just fall into a peaceful sleep in my arms and then left the room.
I held CJ. He held me back. He put his little paws up on my shoulder and held on. He cuddled up to me as I was pouring all of my love into him. I rocked him and took deep breaths. I didn't read anything in the room. I didn't analyze the painting or the map. Instead I stared at a strange square on the opposite wall and loved my cat.
After some time, I have no idea how much, the Dr came to check on us. CJ was still fairly awake, but very relaxed, so he needed some more sedative. He said that his assistant would come in to administer it, while he was seeing some other patients. The assistant came in with these big eyes, looking all sympathetic and loving. I almost couldn't handle it. I needed to stay together. It would be more upsetting to my pet if I fell to pieces in front of him. I put CJ down on the table, on the comfy afghan and she gave him a shot in the bum. As sometimes happens with the sedatives (I was forewarned) the poor little guy got sick. It was hard to watch because he was so sedated that he couldn't really move. I put paper towels under his head, comforted him until he finally vomited, then whisked it away and wiped his little face. Poor little guy. Then the assistant left and I scooped him back up in my arms.
We did more rocking, although this time, I was the only one doing the cuddling. I could feel him softening and relaxing in my arms. I stayed standing. Now that I am a mom, I am a pro at the standing rocking movement. This is what I did. I sniffled and snotted and gently weeped. I still didn't want to "lose it" because my kitty was still there. Whether or not he was awake and whether or not he was aware of me and my presence, I wanted to be peaceful. Really I wanted to sit down and sob...but it wasn't time.
Finally, after what seemed like a long time, the Dr came back in the room. I had mixed feelings, part of me wanted to run...to take my sleeping kitty and run. The other part of me knew this was the right thing to do and stayed.
The Dr seemed a little flustered. I am certain this is the worst part of his job. He spends all day doing his best to save and improve lives, then he has to end one. He kept talking, saying things, I am sure they are meant to be comforting things, either to me, or to himself...but I wasn't really listening. He explained to me how to put CJ down on the table. This was hard because CJ was very relaxed and floppy.
Finally we got him situated in as comfortable a position as we could. I had to put his head straight and the Dr straightened his little leg. The Dr told me to hold CJ's head in a certain way, so I did. Then I squatted down and looked into his little eyes. Although he was well sedated, his eyes were still open. The Dr got the needle in place and then asked me if I was ready. I said "yes". He released the tourniquet and injected the fluid.
I breathed and looked into my cats little eyes. The pupiHe left me alone with my now deceased cat. As soon as the door shut I slid down to the floor and sobbed, as quietly as I could, but I released the sorrow that had been building for two days. After a little while, I stood. I looked at my little guy and he was really no longer my little guy. He looked strange. I straightened his fir, repositioned his paws and head so that he looked handsome and dignified, rather than floppy and scruffled. I gathered my things and left the office as quickly as I could. I practically ran out to my car, put the empty kennel in the front seat, got in myself, started the car and sobbed again. I was acutely aware that I was in a public parking lot, so I kept it fairly brief, gathered my wits and left. My family has a rule, no crying and driving, its dangerous.
This was my experience. I thought I would feel better for typing it out, but somehow...I don't. I feel a little empty. I didn't sob while typing. I got weepy, but not sobby... perhaps this is because I have been weepy all day. Perhaps it is because it is late and I need to get to bed. I don't know, but somehow I feel bad because I feel empty, not deeply grieving.
I was feeling very sick and my heart was pounding and I was very afraid that he would feel my fear and foreboding. I tried focusing on the things in the room. I read everything on the walls, analyzed the painting, analyzed the map on the back of the door, anything to distract myself so I didn't fall to pieces before the doctor even came in the room.
The Dr came in and we went through CJ's file. He explained how it was going to work. One thing I noticed, though, was that he didn't look me in the eye. I suppose I shouldn't expect him to look me in the eye. Actually I wanted no sympathy, no tenderness, no touching, no softness, because I was ready to crumble. He explained that first they give the cat a sedative, so that they are very relaxed and peaceful when they give them the final injection. The final injection has to be into an artery, which is uncomfortable for them, most animals get very upset when you put needles in their arteries.
He left the room, got the sedative and came back. I had to put CJ down on the table, this was hard. It wasn't hard to see him get the shot, because I give him a needle every day and he really doesn't seem to mind. It was hard to have him away from my chest, away from my heart. As soon as the doctor was finished I scooped him back up into my arms. The Dr explained that in the next 15 minutes, CJ should just fall into a peaceful sleep in my arms and then left the room.
I held CJ. He held me back. He put his little paws up on my shoulder and held on. He cuddled up to me as I was pouring all of my love into him. I rocked him and took deep breaths. I didn't read anything in the room. I didn't analyze the painting or the map. Instead I stared at a strange square on the opposite wall and loved my cat.
After some time, I have no idea how much, the Dr came to check on us. CJ was still fairly awake, but very relaxed, so he needed some more sedative. He said that his assistant would come in to administer it, while he was seeing some other patients. The assistant came in with these big eyes, looking all sympathetic and loving. I almost couldn't handle it. I needed to stay together. It would be more upsetting to my pet if I fell to pieces in front of him. I put CJ down on the table, on the comfy afghan and she gave him a shot in the bum. As sometimes happens with the sedatives (I was forewarned) the poor little guy got sick. It was hard to watch because he was so sedated that he couldn't really move. I put paper towels under his head, comforted him until he finally vomited, then whisked it away and wiped his little face. Poor little guy. Then the assistant left and I scooped him back up in my arms.
We did more rocking, although this time, I was the only one doing the cuddling. I could feel him softening and relaxing in my arms. I stayed standing. Now that I am a mom, I am a pro at the standing rocking movement. This is what I did. I sniffled and snotted and gently weeped. I still didn't want to "lose it" because my kitty was still there. Whether or not he was awake and whether or not he was aware of me and my presence, I wanted to be peaceful. Really I wanted to sit down and sob...but it wasn't time.
Finally, after what seemed like a long time, the Dr came back in the room. I had mixed feelings, part of me wanted to run...to take my sleeping kitty and run. The other part of me knew this was the right thing to do and stayed.
The Dr seemed a little flustered. I am certain this is the worst part of his job. He spends all day doing his best to save and improve lives, then he has to end one. He kept talking, saying things, I am sure they are meant to be comforting things, either to me, or to himself...but I wasn't really listening. He explained to me how to put CJ down on the table. This was hard because CJ was very relaxed and floppy.
Finally we got him situated in as comfortable a position as we could. I had to put his head straight and the Dr straightened his little leg. The Dr told me to hold CJ's head in a certain way, so I did. Then I squatted down and looked into his little eyes. Although he was well sedated, his eyes were still open. The Dr got the needle in place and then asked me if I was ready. I said "yes". He released the tourniquet and injected the fluid.
I breathed and looked into my cats little eyes. The pupiHe left me alone with my now deceased cat. As soon as the door shut I slid down to the floor and sobbed, as quietly as I could, but I released the sorrow that had been building for two days. After a little while, I stood. I looked at my little guy and he was really no longer my little guy. He looked strange. I straightened his fir, repositioned his paws and head so that he looked handsome and dignified, rather than floppy and scruffled. I gathered my things and left the office as quickly as I could. I practically ran out to my car, put the empty kennel in the front seat, got in myself, started the car and sobbed again. I was acutely aware that I was in a public parking lot, so I kept it fairly brief, gathered my wits and left. My family has a rule, no crying and driving, its dangerous.
This was my experience. I thought I would feel better for typing it out, but somehow...I don't. I feel a little empty. I didn't sob while typing. I got weepy, but not sobby... perhaps this is because I have been weepy all day. Perhaps it is because it is late and I need to get to bed. I don't know, but somehow I feel bad because I feel empty, not deeply grieving.
Mr. CJ Puddins' Peaceful Departure
Now I would like to share my experience of euthanizing CJ. This is weighing heavily on my heart, playing over and over in my mind. It was peaceful and everything, but it was also heart breaking,
I went into the veterinarian's office. It took awhile to get out of my car. I shed a few tears while CJ meowed at me because car rides are not his favourite thing.
After a few minutes, and a few deep breaths, I brought him into the office. My heart was pounding and I felt like I was going to be sick. They know who I am, we have been having health problems with CJ for over a year now, so I didn't have to say why I was there. They asked if I wanted his ashes. After some thought I decided against it, no one in my family has gotten their cats ashes before, and I know his spirit will no longer be attached to his remains. Then I had to sign this form authorizing the euthanasia. That was very difficult, I couldn't read it well with tears blurring my vision.
To be continued...
I went into the veterinarian's office. It took awhile to get out of my car. I shed a few tears while CJ meowed at me because car rides are not his favourite thing.
After a few minutes, and a few deep breaths, I brought him into the office. My heart was pounding and I felt like I was going to be sick. They know who I am, we have been having health problems with CJ for over a year now, so I didn't have to say why I was there. They asked if I wanted his ashes. After some thought I decided against it, no one in my family has gotten their cats ashes before, and I know his spirit will no longer be attached to his remains. Then I had to sign this form authorizing the euthanasia. That was very difficult, I couldn't read it well with tears blurring my vision.
To be continued...
Meeting Mr. CJ Puddins cont'd
Okay, my boy is playing on the floor...I can type a little more...maybe...first time Mom.
Anyhow, I bought CJ for myself. Naively, I thought I could carry the kitten home in my zipped up jacket, next to my chest. A good idea, with good intentions, being close to my heartbeat and everything, but CJ had other ideas. He promptly crawled out and began exploring my car.
My car was a 1983 Honda Civic hatchback, a great little car. It was a standard. CJ huddled underneath my clutch pedal. Oh crap! I slipped the car into neutral and pulled over. I eased the now terrified kitten out from the very dangerous spot and tucked him a little more firmly into my jacket, keeping one hand on him for the rest of the drive. He very well may have used up one of his nine lives right then and there.
I brought him home, all excited and happy. My boyfriend, we'll call him SG, was not happy. He didn't want a cat and wanted nothing to do with my new kitten. He stormed off into our bedroom slamming the door. CJ ran under the couch immediately and refused to come out. I had to buy additional supplies for having a new cat, so I had to go out.
When I came back from the store...I was gone for about 1 1/2 hours...CJ was curled up on SG's chest on the couch. SG looked at me with big eyes and shrugged, with a little smile. CJ purred contently, looking precious with his great big ears.
Welcome to your new home CJ! We ended up bathing him to get the pet store smell off of him (he didn't enjoy that part very much). He used the litter box and ate some food. Then we knew that this little kitten was truly ours and was very much at home.
Real time note: My dog, Brutus, is looking at me with big blue eyes, whining, he doesn't understand where CJ has gone. He has been looking for him all day. We are having a tough day... Time to go play with my baby, the only one that doesn't seem affected by CJ's passing. He is gurgling and chattering on his play mat, looking oh so cute and playful. I will also through the ball for B, which will make him a very happy dog indeed. We will get through this.
Anyhow, I bought CJ for myself. Naively, I thought I could carry the kitten home in my zipped up jacket, next to my chest. A good idea, with good intentions, being close to my heartbeat and everything, but CJ had other ideas. He promptly crawled out and began exploring my car.
My car was a 1983 Honda Civic hatchback, a great little car. It was a standard. CJ huddled underneath my clutch pedal. Oh crap! I slipped the car into neutral and pulled over. I eased the now terrified kitten out from the very dangerous spot and tucked him a little more firmly into my jacket, keeping one hand on him for the rest of the drive. He very well may have used up one of his nine lives right then and there.
I brought him home, all excited and happy. My boyfriend, we'll call him SG, was not happy. He didn't want a cat and wanted nothing to do with my new kitten. He stormed off into our bedroom slamming the door. CJ ran under the couch immediately and refused to come out. I had to buy additional supplies for having a new cat, so I had to go out.
When I came back from the store...I was gone for about 1 1/2 hours...CJ was curled up on SG's chest on the couch. SG looked at me with big eyes and shrugged, with a little smile. CJ purred contently, looking precious with his great big ears.
Welcome to your new home CJ! We ended up bathing him to get the pet store smell off of him (he didn't enjoy that part very much). He used the litter box and ate some food. Then we knew that this little kitten was truly ours and was very much at home.
Real time note: My dog, Brutus, is looking at me with big blue eyes, whining, he doesn't understand where CJ has gone. He has been looking for him all day. We are having a tough day... Time to go play with my baby, the only one that doesn't seem affected by CJ's passing. He is gurgling and chattering on his play mat, looking oh so cute and playful. I will also through the ball for B, which will make him a very happy dog indeed. We will get through this.
Meeting Mr. CJ Puddins
I first met CJ on August 10, 1996. It was my 21st birthday. I went to the Great White Pet Shop to see if they had any kittens. Recently, I had moved in with my boyfriend in a one bedroom basement suite. In my mind, this sense of permanence allowed for a pet, especially a cat. Note: I did not have my boyfriend's approval.
Pause in the story: Oh...now my son is awake...we shall see if he falls back to sleep. It has only been 1 hour of napping, so maybe...
Anyhow, I looked into the kitten cage at the pet store and there was this black and white kitten with huge ears. I kid you not, his ears were big. Immediately in love, I asked the sales person if I could hold the kitten. Well folks, it was love at first sight and confirmation at first cuddle. CJ was coming home with me for my birthday gift.
Pause again: Nope...the baby is not falling back to sleep...the story will have to continue later
Pause in the story: Oh...now my son is awake...we shall see if he falls back to sleep. It has only been 1 hour of napping, so maybe...
Anyhow, I looked into the kitten cage at the pet store and there was this black and white kitten with huge ears. I kid you not, his ears were big. Immediately in love, I asked the sales person if I could hold the kitten. Well folks, it was love at first sight and confirmation at first cuddle. CJ was coming home with me for my birthday gift.
Pause again: Nope...the baby is not falling back to sleep...the story will have to continue later
Greetings
Week one:
To start with, this blog will be for remembering my cat. CJ passed away yesterday. I am feeling the need to tell stories and share, like a memorial service, but he was a cat. I am also trying to do this while my son is napping, which can be short or long...so we will see how it goes.
Week two:
This blog is now about rambling thoughts. I want to express my day to day ramblings. Being an "at home" mom right now, my adult interactions are limited. This can be my way of reaching out. We will see what happens.
To start with, this blog will be for remembering my cat. CJ passed away yesterday. I am feeling the need to tell stories and share, like a memorial service, but he was a cat. I am also trying to do this while my son is napping, which can be short or long...so we will see how it goes.
Week two:
This blog is now about rambling thoughts. I want to express my day to day ramblings. Being an "at home" mom right now, my adult interactions are limited. This can be my way of reaching out. We will see what happens.
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