Dark, Ugly Thing

Cancer seems like such a dark and hideous thing.  It would be healthier to think of it as just a name assigned to malfunctioning cells.  Something that has many different shapes and forms, with many outcomes, lots of them positive.  But, still, I find it dark and ugly.

I know people who have concurred cancer, people who live with cancer, people who are dying from cancer and people who have died from cancer.  When people battle and get better, it seems it could be positive.  But it doesn't feel that way.  For the people who live with cancer, I wonder if they feel that word is attached to them, like the cancer itself.  A label stuck there, kept secret from strangers.  A label that causes some people to feel sympathy, some people to act strange and other people to pull away.

Right now my heart aches because of cancer.  My Aunt is very sick with it and has been "dying" for the last three years.  She isn't surviving cancer, she isn't living with cancer, she is dying from it.  The doctors told her three years ago that, with chemo, she would have six months to a year.  She did the treatment and suffered through its consequences.  I wonder, if the doctors did not give her a timeline, if she would have lived with the cancer instead.  She has been so sick and her family has struggled with the lengthening time of loss. A loss of how and who she used to be and the future loss of her life.

Why.  Why did the doctors give her an expiry date?  Would her quality of life over the last three years have been different without this big, looming, "you should be dead" thing over her head and in the hearts of her family.  Why did the treatment lengthen her life so long?  Can it be too long?  Is it wrong to wish her to be at peace and not suffering anymore?

Sometimes I wonder if what I am feeling is anger, but I think not.  I think I am sad.  I am sad for her, I am sad for those that help care for her, I am sad for her sons and grandchildren, I am sad for everyone who's hearts and souls are a little more tarnished with this dying from cancer.  This ugly dark thing.

What do you think?  Am I wrong for having these thoughts?  How do you feel about it?  What are your thoughts on this disease and its impact?